Evil Dead 1 & 2 Mstied (With Joel as a Guest host)
by MystieMyth
Summary: This is The first evil dead movie mstied (Same disclaimers as Army of Dakrness)
1. Default Chapter Title

(Season 11 opening)   
(1,2,3,4,5,6,Dogbone)   
(Open on Mike with Crow, Servo, and Gypsy to his right)   
MIKE: Hi Everyone and welcome to the Satellite of love, I'm Mike   
Nelson, This is Tom Servo,   
SERVO: Hi   
MIKE: and this is Crow T. Robot,   
CROW: Yo   
MIKE: And of course this is Gypette.   
GYPETTE: Hi everyone.   
CROW: (Trace Beaulieu's voice (offscreen)) Don't forget us.   
(Cambot gets a wider view finding yet another Servo and Crow to   
Mike's Left.   
MIKE: (Sees other Crow and Servo) And I guess this is Tom Servo   
and Crow T. Robot. All right what's going on here.   
CROW (Bill): Well Mike since Dr. F. told us there would be a guest   
host we'd have a guest host this week.   
CROW (Trace): So we decided to reactivate two of our older selves.   
  
SERVO (Kevin): Yeah now there's one set for you,   
SERVO (Josh): And one for the Guest Host.   
ALL 4 BOTS:And 4 of us will provide twice the riffs of two.   
MIKE: Oh no one of each of you is more then enough for both me and   
the guest host.   
(Commercial Sign Flashes)   
MIKE: Oh we'll be right back, and there had better be only one of   
each of us.   
BOTS: Darn!   
(Commercials)   
(When we return Mike, and one of each of the bots is at the desk)   
CROW: (Trace's voice) Well Mike, I hope you're happy.   
MIKE: Hey Crow what happened to your voice?   
CROW: Well Mike we didn't know which ones to deactivate so we   
flipped a coin, and I got to stay active.   
MIKE: Oh Hey Servo which voice do you have.   
SERVO: (Kevin) Oh just the normal.   
MIKE: OK I guess I can get used to this.   
( Mad light flashes)   
CROW: Hey Mike, Dr.F. is calling.   
(Mike hits the button)   
(Deep T.V.)   
Dr.F.: Hi guys.   
(SOL)   
ALL:Hi Dr.F.   
(Deep T.V.)   
Dr.F.: Well guys are you ready to meet your guest host?   
(SOL)   
SERVO: Yes, come on Let us know.   
(Deep T.V.)   
Dr.F.: Well he should be arriving at the SOL any time...   
(SOL)   
(Doorbell Rings)   
BOTS: I got it!   
(They try to run for it when Mike grabs them)   
MIKE: Hold it, I'll get. Besides nether of you can open the door   
anyway.   
(Mike Heads off screen the bots follow him Cambot turns to see the   
door)   
(Mike opens the door to find Joel Robinson)   
BOTS: Joel! Joel's back!   
(Joel hugs the bots)   
JOEL: Hi guys miss me.   
(Joel and Mike shake hands)   
MIKE: Welcome back Joel.   
(They all move back to the desk)   
(Deep T.V.)   
Dr. F.: Hi Joel long time no see.   
(SOL)   
JOEL: Hi Dr.F.   
(Deep T.V.)   
Dr.F.: Well guys it's time to start today's movies. Hope you enjoy   
Evil Dead 1 & 2.   
(SOL)   
(Movie sign Flashes)   
JOEL & MIKE: Ah we got movie sign.   
(1,2,3,4,5,6,Theater)   
(Joel brings in Servo sitting where Servo normally sits and puts   
Servo beside him. Mike and Crow take their normal seat.)   
JOEL: OK Lets see if I still got it.   
CROW: Did you have it to begin with Joel.   
JOEL: Very funny Crow.   
MIKE: Roll it Cambot.   
RENAISSANCE PICTURES presents   
CROW: The life and times of William Shakesphere.   
THE EVIL DEAD   
SERVO: How can the dead be evil? It's Dead.   
CROW: Maybe it was evil when it was alive.   
[Daytime - Inside the Delta 88]   
The gang are traveling on a highway singing a song   
SERVO: This movie has the makings of "Manos"   
(JOEL & The BOTS Shiver)   
Scott: Hey Ash, where are we?   
Ash: Well, we just crossed the Tennessee Border.   
MIKE: (Laughing) Man Ash looks like a little dork now. (He really   
does)   
Ash: Which would put us...   
Scott: chuckling Yeeeah?   
Ash: Which would put us...   
Ash: Right...   
JOEL: Just spit it out!   
Ash: Here.   
The Delta 88 steers out of control as it nearly hit a truck   
CROW: Yeah short movie, oh darn.   
Ash: What the hell was that? Are you trying to kill us?   
SERVO: Yeah that's the basic idea.   
Scott: Hey! Don't blame me! It's your steering wheel! Damn thing   
jerked right out of my hands.   
Ash: I don't understand it. I had this thing in for a tune-up   
yesterday and they said they'd go over everything.   
JOEL: Well they did a crappy job.   
Scott: Yeah! Well you better take it back because the damn thing   
don't work. The one thing that does work is this lousy horn.   
honks the horn   
Scott: to people on the street Ah! Go to hell! I'm not honking   
at you!   
SERVO: You're not worth honking at.   
Scott: Jesus Christ.   
Linda: Hey Scotty! What's this place like anyway?   
Scott: Well, the guy that's renting it says it's an old place.   
Little run down, but it's right up in the mountains.   
JOEL: Ever seen the Munsters?   
Scott: Yeah, and the best part is that we get it so cheap.   
Linda: Yeah, why are we getting it so cheap?   
MIKE: Because the Evil Dead that lives there loves company.   
Scott: Well, I don't know. Might be in real bad shape.   
Cheryl: You mean, nobody's seen this place yet?   
Scott: Well, not yet.   
Ash: Well, it might not be that bad.   
SERVO: (Sarcastic) Sure.   
Linda: No.   
Ash: Actually, it might be kind of nice.   
CROW: (Sarcastic) Mhmm hmm.   
Linda: Yeah.   
Shelly: It's probably a real pit.   
JOEL: With a pendulum.   
Ash: Ya, I think this is where we get off.   
The gang reads the sign. It reads: DANGEROUS BRIDGE TRAVEL AT OWN   
RISK 3 TONS LOAD LIMIT   
CROW: Hey Servo, you couldn't cross.   
SERVO: Hey!   
The Delta 88 crosses a rickety bridge   
Cheryl: This is the bridge we're going to cross?   
Scott: Jesus Christ! The whole thing's falling apart on us!   
Ash: Don't let the noise fool you girls, this thing is solid as a   
rock.   
As they cross Ash opens the door and looks out as a board falls   
into the water.   
MIKE: Oh, that's real sturdy.   
They cross the bridge and arrive at the cabin   
Scott approaches the cabin   
Scott retrieves a really big set of keys   
JOEL: We'll be here all day.   
Scott: It's supposed to be one of these on here.   
Scott unlocks the door to the cabin and enters   
The rest of the gang unload the car   
Ash: C'mon!   
Linda: Hey!   
Ash: Hey! Hey!   
Two of the girls throw bags at Ash at same time   
Ash: Hmph!   
SERVO: Yeah beat him to death with the bags.   
[Daytime - Inside the Cabin]   
Scott investigates the cabin   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Cheryl draws a clock on in her sketchbook and then hears voices   
saying, "Join us. Join us."   
CROW: (Whispering) Leave us Leave us.   
Cheryl draws a sketch of a book against her will tearing the book   
up in the process   
MIKE: (Cheryl) Ohh Sketchbook I hate you.   
Cheryl observes the cellar door rattle   
Scott: whispering It barks in the cellar. It barks in the   
cellar.   
ALL: Bark Bark Whoof arf.   
Cheryl: Will you stop it?   
Ash: I would very much like to make a toast for all this evening.   
Ah, as a great friend of mine once said, he said, "I..." Oh OK OK   
"??This miss tu tarine??".   
CROW: (Angry) Hey he cussed me out!!   
JOEL: How would you know? You're only programmed for English.   
CROW: Well he said something.(Trails off)   
Cheryl: Which means?   
Scott: Party down! Ya!   
The cellar door mysteriously opens and everyone goes to have a   
look   
SERVO: Yeah crowd around that'll make it easier for whatever's in   
the cellar to attack them.   
Ash: What is this?   
Linda: Whatever it is, it's still down there.   
Cheryl: I don't like cellars. Let's just close it up. It's   
probably just some animal.   
MIKE: Yeah A rabid raccoon maybe.   
Scott: An animal? An animal? laughs That is the stupidest thing   
I ever heard of. Jesus Christ.   
Shelly: There's something down there.   
Linda: Maybe it is just some animal.   
Scott: Yeah, you're probably right. Probably just some animal.   
Here Cheryl, why don't you go down 'n check, make sure?   
CROW: Just like a man.   
MIKE & JOEL: Hey!   
Cheryl: Scotty! I'm not going down there!   
Scott: OK, OK you cowards, I'll go.   
Shelly: Be careful.   
Scott: Back in a minute.   
SERVO: Hopefully he won't be.   
Scott descends into the cellar   
Everyone watches and Ash peers into the cellar   
Ash: Hey Scotty! You find anything? Scotty. Scotty! Scott!   
Shelly: He's just kidding around... Isn't he?   
CROW: No he's dead.   
Ash: Scotty!! Scott! Linda, get me a flashlight.   
Linda: That's the only one we brought up.   
JOEL: Well that was stupid.   
Ash: Then get the lantern.   
Ash descends into the cellar   
[Nighttime - In the cellar]   
BOTS: (Make spooky sounds)   
Ash looks for Scotty   
Ash: Scotty?   
SERVO: Beam me up Scotty.   
(Thump)   
Ash opens a door   
Scott: scaring Ash Boo!! Hahahahahah Hey, come here, I wanna   
show you something. Look at all this stuff. I bet this still   
shoots. pointing a shotgun at Ash   
BOTS: Shoot him shoot him.   
Ash: Probably does.   
Ash: Oh God. Look at this. referring to a book   
MIKE: Hey it's the paperback version of the Necronomicon.   
SERVO: (Salesman like) New paperback Necronomican when you need to   
caste some spells but can't be burdened down by big books.   
Scott: Look at this. referring to a scepter This kind of looks   
like your old girlfriend. chuckle C'mon, let's take this stuff   
upstairs. I'll grab the recorder and you get everything else   
now...   
CROW: (Sarcastically) oh yeah leave me the light stuff why don't   
you.   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
The gang is having a chitchat   
Ash: OK, shhhh... Listen to this. This is the tape I found   
downstairs.   
Prof: (On tape) It has been a number of years since I began   
excavating the ruins of Candar with a group of my colleges. Now my   
wife and I have retreated to a small cabin in the solitude of   
these mountains. Here I continued my research undisturbed by the   
myriad distractions of modern civilization and far from the groves   
of academe. I believe I have made a significant find in the   
Candarian Ruins. A volume of Ancient Sumarian burial practices and   
funerary incantations. It is entitled "Morturom Demonto"-   
CROW: Hey I thought it was the Necronimican   
roughly translated, "Book of the Dead". The book is bound in human   
flesh and inked in human blood. It deals with demons and demon   
resurrection and those forces which roam the forest and dark   
bowers of man's domain. The first few pages warn that these   
enduring creatures may lie dormant but are never truly dead. They   
may be recalled to active life through the incantations presented   
in this book. It is through recitation of these passages that the   
demons are given license to possess the living.   
Cheryl turns off the tape recorder   
SERVO: I was starting to like that.   
Scott: Hey! What did you do that for? It was just getting good!   
Cheryl: I just don't want to hear it anymore that's all.   
Scott: Ooooooooo   
Ash: Scotty, c'mon. Leave her alone, man.   
CROW: Quit feeling her..   
MIKE: Crow.   
CROW: What?   
Scott: Hey, c'mon. I just want to hear the rest of it. No big   
deal.   
Scott turns the tape recorder back on   
The Prof on the tape recorder recites some incantations   
The Evil Force awakens   
JOEL: (Evil force) Whoa what did I drink last night.   
Cheryl: Shut it off! Shut it off! Shut it off!!!   
A window breaks and Cheryl is scared out of her wits   
Shelly: Cheryl. Where're you going?   
Ash: I can't believe this. Scott, you knew not to play that! I   
mean c'mon, you knew it was upsetting her. You just don't know   
when you're taking something too far.   
Scott: Hey, don't give me that! You were playing it too. You could   
of shut it off. I mean big deal! She's nuts. I mean it's just a   
joke,c'mon! Jesus Christ. She acts like she's three years old or   
something.   
SERVO: I thought she was three?   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash: Listen. Why don't we stay up for a while and listen to the   
storm?   
Linda: All right, yeah. Let me check on Cheryl first to see if   
she's OK.   
Ash allows Linda to see a jewelry box when she comes back   
Linda: Aha!   
Ash: Ohh! Stealing from the blind, hunh? This is for you.   
MIKE: It's from Steve he lives across the street from us.   
Linda: Linda opens the box and finds a necklace Ash, how sweet   
of you.   
Would you put it on?   
Ash: Oh yeah, sure. I was going to give it to you before we came   
up here, but things got so hectic, this is really the first chance   
we've had to be alone. Take a look.   
Linda: Oh Ash! It's beautiful. I really love it. I'll never take   
it off.   
The Evil Force observes Cheryl from outside   
EvlFrc: Join us!   
CROW: Leave us!!   
[Nighttime - Outside the cabin]   
Cheryl: Is anybody out there?   
Cheryl goes exploring in the forest   
Cheryl: I know someone's out there. I heard you. I heard you in   
the cellar.   
MIKE: If she heard it in the cellar why is she looking outside.   
Cheryl is attacked by Evil Trees [Note: Attacked is a nice word   
for it Raped fits better.]   
ALL: Ahh no   
SERVO: Man this is downright sick   
CROW: Yeah Dr.F. how could you do this to us?   
MIKE: How did that make it by the Censors.   
JOEL: Well this is Fox anything can make it by Fox's Censors.   
Cheryl: Ashley!!!   
Cheryl runs and gets back into the cabin   
SERVO: Damn she lived this movie needs some killing to liven it   
up.   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash: What the hell happened to you? What's the matter with you?   
Did something in the woods do this to you?   
Cheryl: No! It was the woods themselves! They're alive Ashley! The   
trees! They're alive.   
MIKE: Plants are alive.   
Linda: Ash. Why don't I take her in the back room so she can lie   
down.   
Cheryl: I'm not lying down! I want to get out of here. I want to   
leave this place right now. Right now Ashley!   
Scott: Wait a minute. I sure as hell am not leaving any place   
tonight.   
Shelly: Cheryl.   
Linda: Cheryl.   
Ash: Cheryl, there's nothing out there. Trees do not attack   
people.   
Cheryl: Ashley! Will you drive me into town or not?   
CROW: Ashley (laughing)   
Ash: What? Right now?! Look, sure, sure, I'll take you into town,   
but just listen to what you're saying.   
Cheryl: I don't care how it sounds. I wanna get out of this place   
right now.   
Ash: OK, maybe you could stay somewhere in town tonight.   
[Nighttime - In the Delta 88]   
The Delta 88 refuses to start   
Cheryl: I know it's not gonna start. It's not gonna let us leave.   
It starts and they drive to the bridge   
Cheryl: Why are you stopping?   
Ash: Wait here a minute. Ash exits the car   
Cheryl: Do you see something? Where're you going? Ashley? Cheryl   
exits the car to look for Ash Ashley?   
Cheryl discovers that the bridge is wrecked   
SERVO: That's a good bridge I tell you.   
Cheryl: weeping It's not going to let us go! It's not going to   
let us go! I told you! I told you! It's not going to let us go!   
Why won't you listen to me?   
JOEL: (Ash) Because I'm stupid that's why.   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash plays the tape recorder again   
Prof: (On tape) I know now that my wife has become host to a   
Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed   
by the spirits of the book is through the act of bodily   
dismemberment. I believe now to avoid this horror, but for myself,   
I have seen the dark shadows moving in the woods and I have no   
doubt that whatever I have resurrected through this book is sure   
to come calling... for me.   
Linda and Shelly are playing a guessing game with a deck of   
cards   
Linda: OK, ah, let me think. Ummm... It's a seven.   
Shelly: Oh! What suit?   
Linda: Ahh... diamonds. N-n-no wait! Ummm, hearts!   
Shelly: Oh My! It's seven of hearts! You're right!   
SERVO: You are way off.   
Linda: Hey Ash! I guessed the card right!   
Ash: Yeah... truly amazing Linda.   
Linda: I don't know. I don't know, but I think it's really some   
sort of extra sense or something, you know, like ESP.   
CROW: Eternal Stupid presitiantence.   
Shelly: OK, try this one.   
Linda: OK... It's a seven.   
Shelly: I don't believe it!   
Cheryl: ... of spades. Queen of Spades. Four of Hearts. Eight of   
Spades. Two of Spades. Jack of Diamonds. Jack of Clubs!   
Cheryl turns around to reveal that she is possessed   
JOEL; Ahh she got real ugly.   
PosChr: Why have you disturbed our sleep? Awakened us from our   
ancient slumber? You will die! Nightmare is before you. One by one   
we will take you.   
Possessed Cheryl collapses on the floor   
CROW: Well that was a pointless waste of time.   
Scott: What happened to her?   
Linda: Did you see her eyes? Oh Ash, I'm scared. What's wrong with   
her?   
SERVO: It's a stomach virus.   
Possessed Cheryl stabs Linda in the ankle with a pencil and   
throwsher and Ash against walls   
Scott: Cheryl! Stop it! Scott is thrown against a door   
Scott kicks Possessed Cheryl into the cellar and locks her in   
JOEL: That'll hold her all of 5 secs.   
PosChr: Join us!   
Everyone sits around thinking about what has gone on   
Scott: Ash. I think we ought to get out of here.   
MIKE: That would be smart if if the tres wern't alive.   
Ash: Yeah.   
Scott: We still have a few more hours before morning.   
Shelly: I don't think I can wait that long.   
Scott: You have to. We all have to! And then in the morning, we'll   
get in the car, and we'll take the bridge. And-   
CROW: The bridge is kinda out of shape.   
Shelly: Why does she keep making those horrible noises? referring   
to Possessed Cheryl who's locked in the cellar   
Scott: I don't know!   
Shelly: Her eyes! Her eyes... For God's Sake! What happened to her   
eyes?   
Possessed Cheryl growls and chuckles some more   
JOEL: Is it really that funny.   
The Evil Force approaches the cabin   
Scott: Everything's going to be all right.   
Shelly: Scotty. I-I think there's something's out there.   
Scott: Go to bed, and get some sleep. OK?   
SERVO: That why you can die silently.   
The Evil Force attacks Shelly   
Scott investigates Shelly's room and finds she is missing   
Scott: Shelly?   
Scott is attacked by a Possessed Shelly   
Possessed Shelly is knocked into the fireplace but Scott drags   
her out   
MIKE: Moron.   
PosShy: Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I   
remained on those hot coals, burning my pretty flesh. You have   
pretty skin. Give it to us.   
PosShy: Join us. Join us...   
Scott slits Possessed Shelly's wrist then stabs her in the back   
with a scepter   
SERVO: (Shelly) I will always love you Ashley.   
Possessed Shelly attacks Scott again   
Scott: to Ash Hit her! Hit it!   
CROW: Do it you weine.   
Scott grabs the ax from Ash and chops Possessed Shelly up   
Ash: Scott.   
Scott: Yeah?   
Ash: What are- What are we going to do?   
Scott: We're going to bury her.   
Ash: We can't bury Shelly. She's a- she's a friend of ours.   
JOEL: That's what you normally do with dead bodies.   
Scott: Yeah, she's dead. Shelly's dead. We gotta bury her now.   
[Nighttime - Outside the cabin]   
Scott and Ash bury Shelly   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash: Linda's still sleeping. I think once her leg-   
SERVO: Rots off.   
Scott: I'm getting out of here.   
Ash: Scott, we can't take Linda anywhere with her leg like that.   
We don't even know if there is anyway back besides the bridge.   
Scott: Maybe there's a hiking trail, or an old road or some other   
way around the cliff. I mean there's gotta be another way besides   
the bridge.   
Ash: Listen to me. Linda cannot walk with her leg like that. She   
can't even stand up.   
Scott: Well, then we'll leave her here. Until we can send somebody   
back.   
CROW: Yeah so she'll die like everyone else.   
Ash: What? Are you crazy?   
Scott: Look! I'm getting out! I don't care what happens to her.   
She's   
your girlfriend, you take care of her. I'm getting the hell out of   
  
here. Right now.   
Scott leaves the cabin   
MIKE: Well I guess he's dead.   
CROW: Don't count on it Mike.   
PosChr: Soon all of you will be like me. And then we'll lock you   
up in the   
cellar. Hahahahaha   
Ash observes Linda as she becomes possessed   
SERVO: Don't just stand there do something.   
Possessed Linda sits on the floor giggling   
Scott reappears at the cabin badly wounded   
MIKE: I guess the trees already got him.   
Scott: Ash! Ash!   
Ash: Oh My God!   
Scott: Help me!   
Ash: Scotty. You're going to be OK. You're going to be just fine.   
You'll see.   
Scott: Ash. It's not going to let us leave. Cheryl- Cheryl was   
right, we're all going to die here!   
Ash: No, we're not going to die.   
CROW: We're just actors.   
Scott: We're all going to die. All of us!   
Ash: No, we're not going to die! We're not going to die! We're   
gonna get out of here. Now listen to me Scotty. Is there a way   
around the bridge? Scotty! Listen to me please for God's Sake!   
Scott!!   
Scott: Ash. Ash. I don't wanna die. You're not going to leave me   
are you Ash? Are you?   
MIKE: On the first chance I can I will.. I mean I'd never leave   
you here.   
PosChr: mocking I don't wanna die. You're not going to leave me   
here are you? Are you Ash? Hahahahaha   
Ash: Scotty! Now c'mon listen to me for God's Sake! Is there a way   
around the bridge?   
Scott: There's a way. The trail. But the trees Ash. They know.   
Don't you see Ash? They're alive!   
Possessed girls are giggling   
BOTS: (Giggle)   
Ash: to the possessed girls Shut up will you? Shut up!   
Ash slaps Possessed Linda   
JOEL: Oh she's gonna get him for harassment.   
Scott: Kill her! Kill her!   
PosChr: Kill her if you can, loverboy.   
Ash: Now, forgive me Linda.   
Ash draws a gun on Possessed Linda but then she seems to have   
returned to normal   
SERVO: Shoot her shoot her.   
Linda: Oh Ash, help me please! Ash, help me please Ash. Oh Ash.   
Please don't let them take me away again. Please.   
Ash: No, I won't. I won't. I promise.   
Ash hears Cheryl's normal voice   
Cheryl: Ashley. Ashley, help me. Let me out of here. Ashley? Ash,   
help me. Let me out of here. I'mI'm all right now, I'm all right   
now Ashley, I'm all right. Unlock this chain and let me out.   
Ash: Cheryl? Cheryl?   
Possessed Cheryl grabs Ash by the neck but he gets away   
CROW: I just wanted to hug.   
PosChr: mocking I'm all right now Ashley! Come unlock the chain   
and let me out! Hahaha I'm all right now. It's your sister,   
Cheryl.   
Ash: Ah you bastards! Why are you torturing me like this? Why? to   
Possessed Linda because she's giggling again Shut up!   
JOEL: I thought I had you thaught better then that.   
PosLin: singing, taunting We're going to get you. We're going to   
get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep. We-ahhahahahaha   
Ash drags Possessed Linda outside the cabin   
SERVO: Leave you out here to rot.   
[Nighttime - Outside the cabin]   
PosLin: Useless! Useless! In time it will come for him and then it   
will come for you!   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash: Here. Here. giving Scott a glass of water   
MIKE: Yeah moisten the corpse.   
Now, the sun will be up in an hour or so and we can all get out of   
here together. You, me, Linda, Shelly. Hmm.. Well... not Shelly,   
she- We'll all be going home together. Wouldn't you like to be   
going home? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Scott?   
Possessed Cheryl cackles   
Possessed Linda attacks and stabs Ash and licks the blood off the   
scepter she used   
CROW: Yummy   
PosChr: Join us! Join us!   
Ash fights Possessed Linda and finally stabs her in the back   
Ash drags Linda's body outside to the toolshed   
[Nighttime - Inside the workshed]   
Ash weeps as he cannot bring himself to carve up Linda with a   
chainsaw   
SERVO: I just love her too much.   
Ash: Oh Linda...   
[Nighttime - Outside the cabin]   
Ash buries Linda but she escapes from her shallow grave and   
attacks Ash   
Ash beats on Possessed Linda and then chops her head off with a   
shovel   
CROW: Well I guess she's a head below the crowd now.   
Ash heads back to the cabin   
[Nighttime - Inside the cabin]   
Ash notices that Possessed Cheryl has escaped, picks up a shotgun   
  
and goes looking for her   
Cheryl attacks Ash and then Ash struggles to close the front   
door   
Ash: whispering Back door. closes the back door   
MIKE: There's also about ten windows why aren't you shutting them   
too.   
Shells. Where did I see that box of shells?   
Ash goes down into the cellar   
SERVO: That's smart go down there and get killed.   
Blood pours from everywhere and electronic devices start   
operating on their own, including a record player   
CROW: The evil wants to listen to some tunes.   
PosLin: (On the record) singing We're going to get you. We're   
going to get you.   
Ash: Shut up, Linda! Shut up!   
PosLin: (On the record) So sweet of you...   
ALL: Ooohh.   
Prof: (On the record) ...is through bodily dismemberment.   
Scott: (On the record) Hit her! Hit it!   
JOEL: Kill something you moron!   
Ash retrieves some shotgun shells and returns to the inside of   
the cabin   
Ash: whispering Oh come on... come on... don't... like this...   
SERVO: Then how?   
Ash: looking at the necklace he gave to Linda Linda...   
Ash remembers Linda and then is attacked by Possessed Cheryl   
CROW: (Ash) Hey do you mind? I was thinking here.   
SERVO: And that doesn't happen very often.   
PosChr: Join us. Join us.   
Ash shoots Possessed Cheryl and then is attacked by Possessed   
Scott   
MIKE: The first possesed man in this movie.   
Possessed Scott's eyes are gouged out and then Possessed Cheryl   
attacks again as Ash tries to reach the "Book of the Dead"   
Ash retrieves the "Book of the Dead" and burns it in the fire   
The possessed bodies fall apart   
JOEL: Should we?   
MIKE: Why not?   
ALL: (Witch) I'm melting I'm melting.   
EvlFrc: Join us. Join us. Join us...   
Daylight breaks!   
[Daytime - Outside the cabin]   
Ash walks away but the Evil Force is seen to come at him once   
more   
Ash: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!   
MIKE: My words eacxtly.   
(They all leave)   
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

(1,2,3,4,5,6,Desk)   
(Joel & Mike are standing alone at the desk.)   
JOEL: Well, Mike I have to say of all the movies I've had to watch   
this is almost the worst.   
MIKE: Let me guess the worst was "Manos".   
JOEL: Yeah how did you know.   
MIKE: The bots told me about it. Speaking of them where are they.   
(Crow and Servo come in with a really fake possesed look)   
CROW: Why have you disturbed our sleep.   
MIKE: Ah guys you don't sleep.   
SERVO : Awankened us from our eternal Slumber.   
JOEL: Like Mike said you don't sleep.   
(The bots freeze momentarily)   
BOTS: You will die!   
JOEL: Uh-oh   
BOTS: (Chanting) Joinm us Join us.   
MIKE: Uh Joel I don't think they're kidding.   
JOEL: This movie must have messed up their circutry.   
MIKE: Now what do we do?   
(The bots attack but Mike & Joel easily dodge them)   
JOEL: Well I can fix them if we can make them stop.   
MIKE: How do we do that?   
(The bots make another weak attack which again Mike & Joel easily   
dodge)   
JOEL: They have an emergience shutoff switch on their backs get   
their attention.   
MIKE: Wait we can use the nanites.   
JOEL: Nanites?   
MIKE: Yeah. Ned shut down Crow & Servo now.   
NED: (Off screen) okMikeShutdownin5,4,3,2,1,   
(Crow & Servo both fall down behind the counter.   
JOEL: That worked but what are the Nanites   
(Joel bends down to work on the bots.)   
MIKE: Well Crow found them somewhere and they live here. They're   
microscopic and they are everywhere. (pulls down the Nanite   
viewing scope) See.   
(Joel looks in and sees Ned)   
NED: HeyJoelwe'veheardalotaboutyou.   
JOEL: Oh thanks. Well The guys should be alright now.   
MIKE: OK Ned Reactivate them.   
(Crow & Servo sit up)   
CROW: Whoah what happened?   
JOEL: Well this movie shorted you out and made you think you was   
possesed.   
SERVO Man that was wierd.   
(Mad light flashes)   
(Mike hits the button)   
(Deep TV)   
Dr.F.: Hi guysEverything alright.   
(SOL)   
JOEL: Yeah now that I fixed the bots circuctry.   
(Deep TV)   
Dr.F.: Well I gotta tell you it's time for you next movie. But   
don't worry this one is a little bit better then the other.   
(Sol)   
MIKE:Well that's a relif I don't think i can take another attack   
like that.   
(Deep TV)   
Dr.F.: As soon as the commercials end the movie will begins.   
(SOL)   
(Commercial sign flashes)   
MIKE: Oh we'll be right back.   
(Commercials)   
(6,5,4,3,2,1,)   
(All settle in)   
[Montage of the origins of the Book of the Dead]   
Prof: (Voice Over) [note during most of this monologue in the back   
is all kinds of hideous creatures floating around] Legend has it   
that it was written by the Dark Ones. Necronomicon ex Mortis,   
roughly translated, "Book of the Dead". The book served as a   
passageway to the evil worlds beyond.   
JOEL: Hey it's grandma.   
It was written long ago. When the seas ran red with blood. It was   
this blood that was used to ink the book.   
MIKE: Hey my dog.   
In the year 1300 AD, the book disappeared.   
SERVO: Even the book is trying to leave.   
CROW: Yeah and it made it for now.   
RENAISSANCE PICTURES Presents   
EVIL DEAD II   
[Daytime - In a car while driving on a remote highway]   
Linda: So what's this place like?   
MIKE: Hey what happened to the other three?   
Ash: Well it's a little run-down... but, uh, it's right up in the   
mountains.   
Linda: Are you sure it's deserted?   
Ash: Oh yeah...   
CROW: Yeah they ran away when they found out there was a bad "b"   
movie being made here.   
I think so.   
Linda: (giggle)   
The car crosses a bridge   
[Nighttime - In the cabin]   
Ash plays the piano as Linda dances   
SERVO: Hey I'm dancing in your clothes.   
JOEL: There's no way he'd fit in those clothes.   
Ash: Whoa.   
Linda: (giggle) Ow. finds a necklace Ash has given to her   
Ash: So what do you think kid?   
MIKE: I hate it.   
Linda: I love it Ash.   
Linda: I feel funny about being here. What if the people who own   
the place come home?   
Ash: They're not gonna come back.   
CROW: I took care of it.   
Even if they do we'll tell them the car broke down or something   
like that.   
Linda: With your car, they'd believe it.   
Ash: Hey, what do you say we have some champagne hey baby?   
Linda: Sure.   
Ash: After all, I'm a man and you're a woman, at least last time I   
checked.   
JOEL: Don't even go there Crow it isn't worth it.   
Linda: OK.   
Linda goes to another room to change   
Ash: Hey! There's a... There's a tape recorder here.   
MIKE: Wow, we got a detective on our hands here.   
Linda: See what's on it.   
Ash plays the tape recorder   
Prof: (On tape) This is Professor Raymond Knowby, Department of   
Ancient History, log entry number two. I believe I have made a   
significant find in the Castle of Candar. Having journeyed there   
with my wife Henrietta, my daughter Annie and Associate Professor   
Ed Getly.   
SERVO: Ed Geekly?   
It was in the rear chamber of the castle that we stumbled upon   
something remarkable. Morturom Demonto,   
MIKE: Hey, I thought it was the Necronomicon.   
the "Book of the Dead". My wife and I brought the book to this   
cabin where I could study it undisturbed. It was here that I began   
the translations. The book speaks of a spiritual presence.   
BOTS: Elvis??   
A thing of evil that roams the forests and the dark bowers of   
man's domain.   
BOTS: Elvis!!   
It is through the recitation of the book's passages that this dark   
spirit is given license to possess the living. Included here are   
the phonetic pronunciations of those passages. "Cunda astratta   
montose eargrets gutt nos veratoos canda amantos canda".   
the Evil Force approaches and takes Linda away   
Ash investigates Linda's room   
Ash: Linda?   
CROW: Trace?   
Hey Lind-   
SERVO: Kevin?   
Ash goes to look outside   
[Outside the cabin]   
Ash: Linda!?!   
MIKE: Chief?   
Ash chops off Possessed Linda's head with a shovel and buries her   
body   
SERVO: That head sure came off easy.   
Linda...   
JOEL: McCloud!   
Ash is carried away by the Evil Force and is possessed,raising up   
and screaming   
CROW: Mommy!!   
returns to normal as daylight approaches   
SERVO: Ahh the light, The light.   
but sleeps until dusk   
[Daytime - At the cabin]   
Ash is awake   
Ash: It's gone. The sun's driven it away. Yeah. For now. Gotta...   
Gotta blow out of here for now...   
The Evil Force appears then disappears   
CROW: The walls have eyes.   
EvlFrc: Join us.   
Ash drives his car to the bridge which is now wrecked   
MIKE: Good bridge.   
Ash: Ah. Oh. Oh God. No. Oh no. No... no... No!!!! Gotta, I gotta   
get a grip on myself here.   
The sun goes down and Ash drives his car back to cabin but is   
stopped by the Evil Force and Ash crashes through windshield. Ash   
gets up and the Evil Force chases him through the cabin but he is   
able to hide from it in the cellar   
[Nighttime - At a small airport]   
SERVO: Hey another movie.   
Annie: (to crewer) Thank you.   
Ed: Annie!   
JOEL: Cheif!   
Annie: Hi!   
Ed: How'd the expedition go?   
Annie: Great. I found the pages of the Book of the Dead.   
CROW: Wait the Professor didn't say he brought part of the book he   
said he had found it.   
Ed: Yeah, I got your telegram. Thanks. So what condition are they   
in?   
Annie: Take a look.   
Ed: They haven't aged a day in 3000 years.   
SERVO: They don't look a day over 1500 years.   
Annie: Maybe longer.   
Ed: When do we begin the translations?   
Annie: Tonight. Is everything all set with my father?   
Ed: Well, it should be but I haven't spoken with him in a week.   
There's no phone in the cabin. We'll take my car, it'll take us   
about an hour to get there. Annie you hinted in your telegram that   
your father was onto something in the first part of his   
translations. What has he found in the Book of the Dead?   
MIKE: Stories about dead People.   
Annie: Probably nothing. But just possibly, a doorway to another   
world?   
[Nighttime - In the cabin]   
Ash investigates the piano that is playing by itself   
CROW: Now he's scared of a player piano.   
and remembers Linda   
Ash observes Linda's half-nude corpse get up and dance   
JOEL: Now he's just sick.   
PossesLinda suddenly shows up right in Ash's face and grabs him   
ALL: (Mockingly) Ahh   
PosLin: Dance with me. (cackling)   
Ash: Ahhhhhh realizes he's still in the rocking chair and it was   
all a dream?   
Ehhh... yeah, just a-   
Possessed Linda's head falls into Ash's lap   
SERVO: Meeting of the minds.   
PosLin: Hello lover. Bites Ash's hand Ash tries repeatedly to   
get Possessed Linda's head off his hand   
Ash: Workshed.   
[In the workshed]   
Ash puts Linda's head in a vice   
MIKE: Hey it's Jane.   
PosLin: Even now we have your darling Linda's soul. She suffers in   
torment.   
Ash: You're going down. Chainsaw.   
Possessed Linda's body attacks Ash with the chainsaw   
Ash retrieves the chainsaw from Possessed Linda's body   
Linda: About to cut Possessed Linda's head with the chainsaw   
Please Ash... please don't hurt me. You swore- you swore that we'd   
always be together. I love you.   
Ash: Nooo!   
PosLin: Yah! Your lover is mine and now she burns in Hell.   
Ash: reluctantly Oh yeah, alright... OK. Ash chainsaws   
Possessed Linda's head   
CROW: Hey, look it's Freddy's glove. (If you look closely hanging   
over the door in this scene you can see Freddy Krueger's glove)   
[In the cabin]   
Ash gets a shotgun, hears groaning from the rocking chair   
SERVO: Oh the evil's playing musical chairs.   
and then looks in a mirror   
Ash: I'm fine... I'm fine.   
Ash's reflection grabs him   
MirAsh: I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a   
chainsaw. Does that sound fine? (chuckle)   
JOEL: Yeah it does sound fine.   
Ash's right hand turns on him   
Ash: You bastards! You dirty bastards! weeping Give me back my   
hand! Give me back my haaaaand!!   
[On a country road at the wrecked bridge]   
SERVO: Now we're back to movie B.   
Annie: Excuse me. Excuse me. Is this the road to the Knowby cabin?   
  
JOEL: No, that's the other way.   
Jake: That's right. And you ain't going there.   
Annie: And why not?   
Jake turns on pick up's head lights to reveal the wrecked bridge   
  
Annie: There must be another way in. There's gotta be another road   
or something.   
BobJoe: Sure ain't no road. spits Why the hell do you want to go   
up there for anyway? Huh?   
MIKE: To visit our family the Evil Dead that lives there.   
Annie: None of your business.   
Jake: (clap) Hey! I just remembered. Why, yeah... that's right.   
There is a trail. You could uh, follow Bobby Joe and me.   
Ed: Sounds alright to me.   
Jake: But it'll cost ya.   
Annie: How much?   
CROW: $.05   
Jake: Forty fi- (nudge from Bobby Joe) Hundred buck.   
Annie: Tell ya what, you take my bags and you got a deal.   
Jake: Sure. (dorky laugh)   
ALL: Sucker!!   
Annie: (with an evil grin) Heh heh.   
[In the cabin]   
Ash fights his possessed hand and then stabs it to the floor   
Ash: Ah. Ah. That's right. Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now?   
Yahhhh! Ahhhh! Ash cuts off his hand with the chainsaw   
[On the trail to the cabin]   
Jake: Jesus H. Christ... thought all she was talking about were   
those two damn little bags.   
SERVO: Why do you think it was worth a hundred dollars to her.   
[In the cabin]   
Ash: Here's your new home. places a can on his hand then tapes up   
his wrist   
Ash's hand escapes and Ash tries to shoot it with the shotgun   
JOEL: Ah thank you Thing.   
(BOOM)   
Ash's hand gets caught in a mouse trap   
Aha!! Ash's hand fingers Ash   
CROW: Now that has to be embarrassing.   
Son of a- Arrgh! (BOOM) (BOOM) Gotcha didn't I you little sucker?!   
Ash is sprayed with blood   
SERVO: That's a awfull lot of blood for a hand.   
Old double barrel here... blow your butts to kingdom come. See if   
we don't...   
MIKE: What?   
Ash sits in a chair which collapses under him   
Objects in room begin laughing at Ash. Ash laughs with them   
CROW: Oh I get it, it was a comedy.   
MIKE: I think I missed the joke.   
Ash shoots through door then Jake jumps him   
Jake: You little bastard! punches Ash out You gonna be all right   
honey?   
SERVO: No I've been shot you moron.   
BobJoe walks in holding her arm   
BobJoe: I-I don't know. I-I think so.   
Jake: You just sit still for a minute. You know this son of a   
bitch?   
JOEL: (Annie) Yeah it's my daddy quit hitting him.   
Ed: No we thought her father was going to be here. That's why we   
decided-   
Annie: Oh my God! Where are my parents? sees the bloody chainsaw   
To Ash What the hell did you do to them? What the hell did you   
do to them?   
Ed: Annie, come here. Annie, come here... come here.   
Jake: We'll throw him in there. points to cellar Crazy buck's   
gone blood seeking.   
MIKE: He didn't need to seek it it's all over the place.   
Ash: Wait. I made a mistake. Wait. Wait. Wait. I made a mistake.   
Jake: Damn right. Blackmail son of a bitch.   
CROW: Who's Blackmailing?   
kicks Ash down into cellar   
SERVO: Oh, ow, oh, that will leave a mark.   
BobJoe: I hope you rot down there. spits on Ash   
[In the cabin]   
BobJoe: Oh shit!   
Jake: I know it hurts baby, but everything's gonna be fine. Now in   
aboutfive minutes I'm gonna go fetch the sheriff and bring him-   
Ed: Checked all the other rooms. Folks aren't here. Maybe they   
never came.   
Annie: But these are my father's things.   
CROW: And my mother's underwear.   
MIKE & JOEL: CROW!!   
Annie plays the tape recorder   
Prof: (On tape) It's only been a few hours since I've translated   
and spoken aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from   
the Book of the Dead.   
Annie: Shhh... Listen up. This is my father's voice.   
Prof: (On tape) And now I fear that my wife has become host to a   
Candarian Demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed unto   
this earth. Last night Henrietta tried to... kill me.   
Annie: No!   
ALL: YES!   
Prof: (On tape) It's now October 1st, 4:33 PM. Henrietta is dead.   
I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I dragged   
her down the steps... and I buried her. I buried her in the   
cellar. God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the   
fruit cellar.   
SERVO: Uh-oh.   
Possessed Henrietta raises from out of the ground   
Ash: Wahhhhhhhhhh!   
MIKE: Hey it's Lucy.   
Jake: What the hell was that?   
Ed: Somebody's down there with him.   
Annie: No, can't be.   
CROW: Then They'd be screaming to get out instead of him.   
BobJoe: Let's get the fuck out of here.   
PosHen: Someone's in my fruit cellar. Someone with a fresh soul!   
JOEL: And no brains.   
Ash: Ah! Ah! Let me out! There's something down here! Ah!   
Annie: Let him out!   
Jake: It's a trick, I know it!   
SERVO: Impossible He don't know anything.   
Annie: Let him out!!   
Ash: Move it! Open those chains up!   
PosHen: Come to me.   
Ash: Ah! Help! Help! Help me!   
PosHen: Come to sweet Henrietta. Hahaha.   
Annie: Hurry!   
CROW: Um Ash they could open the door easier if you'd quit shaking   
it so bad.   
Ash: Help! Help me please!   
PosHen: I'll swallow your soul.   
Ash is pulled out of the cellar   
BobJoe: Do something!   
Ed punches Possessed Henrietta but is knocked away   
Ash fights Possessed Henrietta causing her eyeball to fly into   
Bobby Joe's mouth   
SERVO: Eww gross.   
CROW: Yummy (Smacks his lips)   
Ash locks the chains to cellar again   
[In the cabin]   
Ash: There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar   
is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark...   
something... something that's come back from the dead.   
BobJoe: Plee! Please let's just get the hell out of here!   
MIKE: I wish we could but we're under contract to sit through the   
whole movie.   
Jake: We're going baby. We're going to get on that trail-   
Ash: Nobody's going out that door, not till daylight.   
Jake: Now you listen to me-   
Hnryta: (singing) Hush little baby don't say a word, Mama's going   
to by you a mocking bird. If that mocking bird don't sing, Mama's   
going to buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turns brass,   
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.   
Hnryta: Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when   
you were a baby.   
Annie: Mother?   
Hnryta: Unlock these chains. Quickly!   
Ash grabs Annie and reminds her of what Henrietta really is   
Annie: No.   
Hnryta: You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well   
because it was snowing. So strange it would be snowing in   
September.   
Annie: That thing in the cellar is not my mother.   
Possessed Ed jumps out of nowhere   
PosEd: We are the things that were and shall be again. Hahahahha.   
?Steps? of the Book. We want what is yours. Life! Ha ha ha ha!   
Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.   
JOEL: Everyone sing along.   
PosHen: Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.   
PosEd: Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.   
PosHen: Dead by dawn.   
PosEd: Dead by dawn.   
Possessed Ed attacks Bobby Joe   
PosHen: Let me out.   
Jake: Thirsty son of a bitch.   
MIKE: They're not thristy they're hungry.   
Jake is knocked out   
Annie: Where you going? Help us you filthy coward!   
PosHen: Quickly. Set me free.   
Ash defeats Possessed Ed with an axe   
PosHen: We live! We live still!   
ALL: And we don't care.   
[Still Nighttime - Still in the cabin]   
Jake: That's funny.   
BobJoe: What.   
Jake: That trail we came in here on? It just ain't there no more.   
Like, like the woods just swallowed her up.   
Annie: It's so quiet.   
The gang tracks Evil Forces buzzing in the walls   
CROW: Maybe the building will colpasle in on them   
Jake: What the hell was that?   
Ash: Maybe something trying to force its way into our world.   
BobJoe: It's in there. points to another room   
Ash: We'll all go in together.   
Jake: Hell no. You're the curious one.   
SERVO: No he's the annoying one, she's the curious one, and you're   
the stupid one.   
Annie: gets a lantern Hey. I'll go with you.   
[In the other room]   
Jake jumps into the room   
Jake: Shit. I told you there weren't nothing in here no how.   
Jake and Bobby Joe hold hands, tightly   
A spirit appears in front of them   
Jake: Holy Mother o' Mercy.   
JOEL: Who is the mother of mercy ...Kindness?   
Annie: Father?   
Spirit: Annie. There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy   
you. Your salvation lies there. In the pages of the book. Recite   
the passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul. And your own lives!   
The spirit disappears   
BobJoe: Jake. You're holding my hand too tight.   
CROW: Hey a romantic subplot with more plot then the plot itself.   
Jake: Baby, I ain't holding your hand.   
the gang realise that it is Ash's severed hand, panic happens,   
the lantern is knocked out but is relit again   
Jake: Hey? Where's Bobby Joe?   
Bobby Joe runs through forest only to be caught and taken away by   
Evil Trees   
SERVO: Oh no not again.. oh wheww a bit cleaner this time.   
[In the cabin]   
Jake: Hey? Where the hell is she? We gotta go out there and find   
her.   
MIKE: Too late!   
Ash: If she went out in those woods, you can forget about her.   
Ash gets a chill   
Annie: What's wrong?   
Ash: Felt like someone just walked over my grave.   
CROW: If only it was p[ossible.   
What's that picture? What is that?   
Annie: In 1300 AD they called this man the, ah, hero from the sky.   
He was prophesied to have destroyed the Evil.   
Ash: Didn't do a very good job...   
SERVO: That was you you moron.   
Can you find it?   
Annie: Here it is, two passages. Recitation of this first passage   
will make this dark spirit manifest itself in the flesh.   
Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?   
Annie: Recitation of this second passage creates a kind of rift in   
time and space. And the physical manifestation of this dark spirit   
can be forced back into the rift. At least that's the best   
translation that I can-   
(shotgun reloading)   
Jake: Uh-huh. That's right. I'm running the show now.   
JOEL: Oh crap we're all dead now.   
We're going to go   
out there in them woods and look for Bobby Joe. Once we find her   
we're getting the hell out of here.   
Ash: No you idiot! You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. Don't   
you understand? With these pages, at least we have a chance.   
Jake: Bunch of mumbo jumbo bullshit. These pages don't mean squat.   
throws the pages into the cellar Besides, now you ain't got no   
choice. Now move!   
[Outside the cabin]   
Jake: Move.   
Ash: Look. You're nuts.   
SERVO: No he's stupid there's a difference.   
Jake: I said move!   
Annie: No! You stupid fool!   
Jake: I'll blow your fucken head off.   
Ash: Hey. No trail. Where to now?   
Jake: Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe!! Bobby Joe!!!   
JOEL: Bobby Jim!!   
MIKE: Bobby Jack!!   
CROW:Bobby Jeff!!!   
SERVO:Bobby John!!!   
The Evil Force approaches   
Ash: You'll get us all killed!   
Jake: Shut up!   
Annie: Leave him alone!   
CROW: Yeah Ash you big bully.   
Jake: Get outta here- Bobby Joe!!!! Bobby - Joe!!!!! Bobby Joe...   
Where are you, girl?   
Ash is now possessed and attacks Jake and chases Annie   
PosAsh: To Annie You're next. Annie!   
JOEL: Chief.   
[Inside the cabin]   
Annie stabs Jake with a scepter   
Annie: No... no...   
Annie closes door on Possessed Ash   
BOTS: Douh.   
JOEL: Right in the kisser.   
Jake: Ahhhh!   
Annie: I'm sorry!   
Jake: Get me another room. Get the axe. We'll kill it when it   
comes back. But first, pull this damn thing out of me!   
Annie pulls the scepter out of Jake   
SERVO: Yeah now he can blead to death.   
Jake: Ahhh! I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Hurry!   
Annie: I'm trying! I'm trying!   
Jake: Ahhhh!   
Annie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!   
Annie pulls the wounded Jake to the living room   
Jake: Check outside the windows. Check the windows, he's probably   
right out- Ahhh! Help me! Jake is pulled into the cellar by   
Possessed Henrietta   
Annie: Oh God! Possessed Ash reappears and knocks Annie out   
Ahhhhh!   
Possessed Ash comes across Linda's necklace   
CROW: Hey it's shaped like a skull.   
PosAsh: Ahhhhh!! weeping Waahahaha! turns back into normal Ash   
  
JOEL: All right now they lost me.   
MIKE: How so Joel.   
JOEL: His dead girlfriend's necklace can unposses him but to carve   
up loved ones don't.   
Annie attacks Ash with the axe   
Ash: No! No wait! Listen to me! I'm alright now. That thing is   
gone!   
Annie continues to attack   
Damn it! I said I was alright! Are you listening to me? You hear   
what I'm saying? I'm alright! I'm alright.   
Annie: OK, maybe you are. But for how long? If we're going to beat   
this thing, we need those pages.   
Ash: Then let's head down into that cellar and carve ourselves a   
witch.   
PosHen: (cackling) Hahahaha.   
CROW: And that was supposed to be funny.   
[In the workshed]   
Montage of Ash equipping himself with chainsaw and shotgun   
Ash: Groovy.   
[In the cabin]   
Ash: Those pages are down there somewhere.   
Ash heads into the cellar, finds the pages,   
MIKE: Hey, he used the wrong hand! (He picked it up with his right   
hand)   
gives them to Annie and fights Possessed Henrietta   
Annie: "Nos veratos alamemnon conda."   
Possessed Henrietta, out of the cellar, grabs Annie by the hair   
Ash: (whistles) To Possessed Henrietta Let's go. fights   
Possessed Henrietta   
PosHen: I'll swallow your soul. I'll swallow your soul.   
SERVO: Hey they've been talking about soul swallowing for three   
movies now when are we gonna see some.   
Annie: (singing) Hush little baby don't say a word, Mama's going   
to buy you a mock- mocking bird.   
Ash cuts off Possessed Henrietta's head as it is distracted   
PosHen: Hey! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll   
swallow your soul!   
Ash: Swallow this. (BOOM)   
CROW: Yummy   
Ash and Annie hug as the Evil Forest attacks the cabin   
Ash: G-   
ALL: G-   
Annie: I only completed the first of the passages and that was to   
make the Evil a thing of the flesh!   
Ash: Finish it!   
Annie: There's still the second passage. The one- the one to open   
the rift and send the Evil back!   
JOEL: In the length of time it took her to say that she could have   
finished.   
Ash: Well start reciting it! Now!   
Ash: Don't look Annie! Finish the passages! Get rid of it!   
Annie recites the second passage   
Annie is stabbed by Ash's severed hand and collapses   
MIKE: Dang, I thought that hand had left for good.   
Ash: No!!!   
Ash fights an Evil Tree   
Annie struggles to finish the second passage and the vortex   
opens   
EvlTre: We've won. We've won. Victory is ours.   
Ash attacks the Evil Tree as it is sucked into the vortex   
Ash: You did it kid. By God- Now Ash is being sucked into the   
vortex   
No!!!! Ahhhhh!! For God's sake! How do you stop it?   
Ash is sucked into the vortex and he and his Delta 88 fall out of   
the sky in Medieval England, 1300 AD   
SERVO: Hey they used that scene in both movies.   
CROW: Was'nt that tree alot bigger when it first entered the   
vortex. (It was huge when it when it but was tiny when it landed)   
[Late Medieval England]   
Man: Slay the beast. It is a deadite!   
A winged deadite appears   
Man: Run! Back to the castle!   
(BOOM) Ash shoots the winged deadite   
Knight: Hail he who has come from the skies to deliver us from the   
terrors of the deadites!   
Crowd: Hail! Hail! Hail!   
Ash: No!   
ALL: Yes!   
No!   
ALL: Yes!   
No!!   
ALL: Yes!!   
No!!!   
ALL: Yes!!!   
No!!!!   
ALL: Yes!!!!   
No!!!!   
ALL: Yes!!!!   
No!!!   
ALL: Yes!!!   
SERVO: Is it over?   
JOEL: Yes finally.   
(They all leave)   
(1,2,3,4,5,6,Desk)   
(They are at the desk)   
MIKE: Well Joel I guess it's time to say goodbye.   
JOEL: Yeah I guess it is but hey at least now we can talk a lot   
easier then we used to back when you'll were in space.   
CROW: Yeah Joel keep in touch.   
(Joel leaves)   
(Mad light flashes)   
(Mike hits the button)   
(Deep TV)   
Dr.F.: Well guys good news the directors liked it so next week   
you're back to bigger budgeted movies. But they also liked the   
guest host idea so next week you will have a fan help you riff the   
movie.   
(SOL)   
CROW: A Fan ?   
MIKE: How will you choose him or her?   
(Deep TV)   
Dr.F: Oh we already have. We use our webpage to choose our guest.   
We'll surprise you with it again just like today.   
(SOL)   
MIKE: Well I guess We'll see you next time   
(End Credits)   
Stinger. PosHen: Dead by Dawn.Dead by Dawn.   
PosEd.:Dead by Dawn.Dead by Dawn.   
PosHen:Dead by Dawn.   
PosEd:Dead by Dawn. 


End file.
